Angry? Permission slip, denied!
When I was growing up, I learned, in both subtle and not so subtle ways, that is was OK for girls to express sadness.
But, anger? Sooooo NOT OK!
Boys, yes, it was OK for them to express anger, even expected to, if they were to become ‘real (?) men’.
So, when kids at kindergarden made fun of my weird accent when speaking greek (I moved to Greece from the US at the tender age of 5 and attended a greek kindergarten and, although I understood greek, I mostly communicated in English, coming across as both weird and confusing for my young classmates), instead of getting angry at being teased and publicly humiliated,
I would distance myself, pretend it didn’t hurt and then go home and weep.
[yes, conditioning began as early as that age!]
And when, during middle school, I was picked upon for being an ‘all-A’s’ student (becoming an ‘A’ student was nothing short of a desperate attempt to “belong” and “fit in”), instead of speaking up and expressing my hurt, declaring what kind of behaviour was accepted and what not,
I would appear indifferent, pretending, again, that it didn’t hurt and then go home and weep.
After all, sadness, in any form, weeping, sobbing, crying, was totally acceptable for girls. And preferably NOT done in public, to avoid making other people feel uncomfortable and forcing (?) them to deal with my hurt feelings (‘what right did I have to put them in such an awkward state?’)
[add shame to being too sensitive and emotional]
Later on, in my first job as a young professional, there was a period when I was constantly judged by a senior male director for not being aggressive enough in my approach and communication style (the fact that it was a man who judged me made the sting of judgement hurt even more!), instead of standing my ground and affirming my communication preference,
I would put on a joker face, nod in silent agreement and then go home and weep.
And some time later in my late twenties, I found myself in a relationship with a very sensitive and at the same time very angry man. Overall, he was a good-hearted person who in his desperate effort to hide his own sensitive nature (that was the message he had been constantly bombarded with while growing up ‘real men don’t cry!’) would burst with anger when his hot buttons were pressed (looking back, I am truly grateful for his sensitive part for if it hadn’t been for that I probably would have a darker story to share). So, when we got into the occasional couples’ fight and he began raising his voice and loosing his temper,
I would immediately shut down and retreat, feeling totally unable to voice my needs and wants, let alone give myself permission to do so. And naturally, our fights would end with me going home and silently weeping. Alone, in private…
You get the picture by now.
Permission to be SAD, granted. Even more so if done in private.
Permission to get ANGRY, denied. Done in public??? HELL, NO!
Those were the gender stories I grew up with and did not question for a long, long time, until the weight of the unexpressed anger energy in me (along with the carefully caged sadness) became so excruciatingly heavy that it literally de-pressed me, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Fast forward to now.
[that is, a few decades later]
Such deeply wired conditioning of what is culturally and socially acceptable gender-based emotional behaviour could only be unlearned by becoming more self-aware through deep and intense personal work over the years and also, more aware of the systemic conditioning around emotional expression
[I am still unlearning, in case you were wondering!]
And, I am ever so grateful that I am living in the era of DEIB (Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging) for there is more and more space in our days for unique expressions of self, irrespective of gender or any other kind of discrimination.
And so, after having acknowledged its validity and rightful place in the canvas of core human emotions, I have given myself permission to experience anger when it arises in me and express it in a healthy way, coming from a place of curiosity and caring, for self and others.
I have come to relate to anger from a radically different lens than the one I had been conditioned for such a long time.
A life-affirming lens, as opposed to a life-depressing lens.
A lens that informs me of the values that I haven’t honoured, the boundaries that I haven’t set, the needs that I have not met, the wants that I have not expressed, the dreams that I have not pursued...
Because, you see, the fire in me had been put out from a very young age...
Developing an intimate relationship with my long-suppressed anger, has helped me become more compassionate, both to myself and others, befriending and tending to my more vulnerable parts, without resorting to aggressive, passive-aggressive or avoidant behaviours such as, attacking, blaming, disrespecting, resenting, shaming, suppressing, shutting-down or de-humanizing.
Please repeat after me.
Anger is a valid and legitimate emotion.
For ALL human beings. Period.
Beware though not to confuse anger with aggression.
“Anger does not attack. Aggression does. Aggression is something we do with anger, using its energy to fuel us in going after our target. In aggression we’re closed off, whereas in anger we’re vulnerable”
Becoming skilful in expressing responsibly and receiving empathetically anger demands that I become both more self-aware of my own protective patterns of behaviour in the presence of perceived risk that hold me back and also become aware of the cultural and social conditioning that denies me permission to acknowledge and tune into this life-affirming, basic human emotion.
My invitation to you is to get curious about the deeply hidden messages your unexpressed anger has to offer you, bring these messages to light (seek out professional support if necessary) and, responsibly harness the energy and passion of your anger for ethical causes deeply worth pursuing, both personally and collectively.
Let us make anger a conscious ally by bringing more compassion to its presence and honouring its vulnerability, in the greater service of both ourselves and the world we live in.
You’re got this. Trust yourself. I trust you.