On being vulnerable...

It’s been roughly 10 months since my last blog post and just putting this in writing is triggering me emotionally, big time…

Why?

Because of what I am making ‘not showing up for almost a year’ mean: ‘you don’t have what it takes to blog consistently’, ‘you don’t have anything interesting/exciting/new to say, ‘who even wants/has the time/is interested in what you are blogging about’, ‘you will never be a creative blog writer’, and the list goes on and on… Clearly, my inner critic has taken over the reins, big time…and the more space I give it, the louder its gets!

And this hostile inner takeover feels crappy…and it hurts…and it is disheartening… and it makes me feel sad and, once again ‘not good enough’…

As much as I want to silence this critical inner voice, shut it down once and for all, I have learned the hard way (time and again) that doing so will only be a temporary phase; sooner or later, it will come back, stronger and louder than before…

And so I consciously decide NOW to pause.

And breathe.

A deep breath in, and a long and very slow breath out. Breathing in as much self-compassion as I can offer my tender self at this moment and breathing out as much as hurt as I can release from deep down inside me.

For, if there is one thing this past year that I have promised myself -no matter how painful it turns out to be- is to be TRUE and AUTHENTIC.

First and foremost with myself and then with the world.

So, I am sharing my truth with you: this past year I frequently sought comfort in self-sabotaging behaviours such as indulging, fantasizing, denial, numbing, acting out, to name but a few, ONLY to come to realise, as 2021 was coming to its end, that what I was desperately doing in reality was protecting myself from feeling the pain and hurt that came with risking being visible and vulnerable in the online world in a way that didn’t resonate with who I am at my core: a quiet, passionate introvert.

This fairly recent realisation (for this insight I mostly credit what I am currently learning in the Self-Belief Coaching Academy about self-doubt and self-belief, IFS and parts theory) has brought me tremendous relief AND at the same time has unearthed some painful feelings hidden deep inside me…

I now find myself in a place of needing to offer my myself some sacred space for these long-buried feelings, be with them, sit with them in silence and simply witness them, with curiosity, compassion and mostly respect.

That much I owe to my hurt parts.

As I write these last lines, I am already experiencing a sense of calm, and self-trust.

So, looking back once again at these 10 past months, I now KNOW, deep in my bones, that I DID show up; only, not so much to the outer world (my EMCC Senior Practitioner Accreditation does qualify as an outer major achievement, along with coaching work with my coachees :)), but wholeheartedly to my precious inner world.

And, that to me felt deeply courageous.

My intention is for 2022 to be a year where I show up and be seen, from a place of authenticity and truth, all the while honouring my vulnerability.

That is the place where I will be drawing my courage from to show up in the outer world and do what’s worth doing:

Creating a better world through transformational coaching.

Note to self: “You can do this! I trust you!”